Stop the Mama Day Madness!
If you are from North America, I have a special reminder for you: Mother’s Day is less than 2 weeks away. May 11 people. Mark it on your calendar and get shopping! After all, your mama rocks and she deserves some dang recognition. Remember all those times she made you soup when you were sick, drove you to ballet/soccer/tennis/show choir practice, sat through those brutal displays of your “talent” and didn’t strangle you for waking her up in the middle of the night by stepping on her head? Yeah. She deserves a present!
Still not convinced? Just ask yourself this question:
“Am I alive right now?”
If the answer is yes…you better believe that you owe your mother a present on May 11. Guaranteed she saved your ass on more than one occasion. When you were in the 1-3 year old range it was probably more like multiple times a day.
If the answer is no…well, friend…you are exempt.
Of course you can be lame and just rely on the flower delivery option. But let’s be honest…this is not actually thatthoughtful and it does not demonstrate the extent of your love and appreciation for your mama. It is a half-assed attempt at best. Plus, flower arrangements are expensive these days, especially for something that ultimately dies. You can do better.
If you haven’t figured this out yet, the above dialogue is not directed at you. Rather, you have entered into my brain and are listening to the conversation I am currently having with myself. Here is the thing, every year I wait until the last minute to buy presents and every year I end up buying some sort of flower arrangement for the mamas in my life. #lame. Or nothing at all. #evenlamer.
In an effort to not be a lame daughter this year, I decided to do some advanced shopping. I really wanted to step it up for my mama and mama-in-law. You know, buy them something meaningful and memorable. Maybe even aim for something that would make them tear up a bit. Like I said, I have a few years of lameness to make up for.
So about a week ago I started my search for the perfect gift. Despite my best efforts, during the hunt I, admittedly, found myself getting a little side-tracked. And before I knew it…whoops…I had landed on Anthropologie’s website. How does that ALWAYS seem happen to me? One minute I am looking at cookware at Williams and Sonoma and….BAM…just like that I find myself admiring the Akumal Komono Scarf and wondering if I could ever pull off such a look.
In my defense, I WAS only browsing in their “Gifts for Mom” section so, theoretically, I hadn’t veered too far off track.
But my obsessive love/addiction with Anthropologie is not the point of this post (side note: if you too have an obsessive love of all things Anthro, read this, laugh hysterically and relate…thanks EG!).
The point of this post is this:
Do you see what is going on here? The above image is a screen shot of the items that Anthropologie is advising you to buy for your mom for Mother’s Day; the woman who birthed you, wiped the poop off your bum and cleaned up your, sometimes self-induced, vomit.
Don’t see it? Look more closely. Far left.
This is what you are supposed to get her? Are they freaking serious? I wouldn’t buy that swimsuit for my 7 year-old niece much less a grown-ass woman. Let me ask you this: What woman, who has had a baby, could actually pull that off (Note: supermodels and teen moms are not included in this survey)?
Lets backtrack even farther. I have an idea, how about we just take swimsuits OFF the table as presents you should buy other people. Full stop.
Yup. Nothing says I love you like an ill-fitting swimsuit that you now have to pretend to like and actually wear in public. Ummmmm….thanks, but no thanks offspring!
I feel pretty confident in saying that this is a BAD Mother’s Day gift idea. Bad. Bad. Bad.
This discovery got me really thinking. How irresponsible of Anthropologie? I mean, clueless men, blind people and people with severe mental illnesses might actually purchase this swimsuit for their mom. And judging by the price, they will have thought they did a pretty damn good job. I love you Anthropologie, but I call bullshit. This is just wrong.
So I set off on a new mission. I put off actually shopping for Mother’s Day (yet again) and started looking instead for other Mother’s Day gifting-advice-injustices. Honestly, I didn’t think I could or would find anything worse than a ruffled swim suit. Oh…was I wrong.
So here it is…my good deed for the day:
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy these things for your Mom for Mother’s Day:
1. An ugly floral baseball hat or a bicycle bell….unless they are attached to either a new bike or a plane ticket to a sunny location.
2. Anything etched into faux crystal, especially if it rhymes.
3. A pillow that says: “I’ll cut you”. To be honest, I think I would rather have the shark pillow or the etched crystal above.
4. An antiqued beaker. What does one do with this exactly? I don’t get it.
5. Artwork that says “More Issues than Vogue” or “Ohhh alright”. Even if your mama is weird and would actually like this, please, dear God, do not spend 100 dollars on it.
6. Face Elixir and After Shave…..for MEN! WHAT????
Seriously y’all…I am not making this up. I couldn’t if I tried. Are these people high? Are they playing some sort of practical joke? Do they secretly want all moms to go on strike so they can take over the world?
Or am I the crazy one? Maybe every mom really does want an “I’ll cut you” pillow and/or a toddler bathing suit? Maybe I am the only mom who would be pretty excited to just get a scented candle?
I suppose there is always that chance but in light of my recent research I have to advise you to play it safe: DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE!
My advice: Consult this well-curated list or just buy her flowers. You can do it like 24 hours in advance and while it probably won’t make her cry…you won’t get beat over the head with a stick either.
Whatever you do…for the love of all things sacred, please do not buy her a swimsuit.