The Gratitude of Suckitude
There is a lot of positivity going around on the Interwebs these days. Have you noticed? Gratitude challenges, people throwing ice water on themselves in the name of a good cause, “Things That Make Me Smile” blog posts like this one. I mean if you can overlook what is going on in the Ukraine, Venezuela (is that still happening?), Ferguson, the Middle East and pretty much the entire continent of Africa…than I’d say people are feeling pretty happy and grateful these days. No?
And I, for one, am all for being happy and expressing gratitude. I definitely think it is important to acknowledge that if you are lucky enough to be reading (or writing) this post right here, you are lucky enough.
But I also like to keep it real. I truly believe that a little dose of reality is good for the soul. And the reality is that some things suck. Sure, we can paint over them with glossy positive words and highlight those ever so slight silver linings, but sometimes the most helpful thing to do, is to call it what it is: Sucky. Also, there is a strange brotherhood in knowing that other people also find the same things sucky. It helps balance out all those rainbow status updates that make you wanna puke after having a terrible day (or is that just me?). With that being said, you’re welcome for the following list.
2o Things That Suck: an unpublished (until now) and therefore undisputed list
1. The Internet
Actually the Internet doesn’t suck at all. The Internet is amazing. However, not being able to access the Internet in 2014 sucks. The place where I live (which I will not name here, for fear of being deported, but you can easily figure out by looking anywhere on this blog) is kinda into blocking information and making it difficult for you to do simple tasks like ‘googling an image of a flower’ or the very advanced task of ‘checking your email’. It’s their jam. I hate it. It sucks.
No explanation needed, right? I mean, I am no science teacher but I am pretty sure they do not even serve a purpose in the grand scheme of life or in terms of the food chain or whatever. Please refrain from emailing me if I am wrong. I would prefer to remain ignorant on this topic and just accept their suckiness as proof that some things are not meant to make sense. Like math.
This goes for any type: political, religious, racial, sexual preference, lactose. Can’t we just accept that people are different and move on with our lives already? At what point are we going to evolve into more tolerant and accepting human beings? Come to think of it, shouldn’t that have happened by now? Seriously, what’s the hold up? Let’s get smarter already! And why can’t some people eat cheese? It is seriously so unfair. Cheese is mind-blowing.
4. Crying in Public
I can speak from recent experience, this sucks. No one looks cute when crying. It really should be avoided at all costs. But you especially shouldn’t do it at dinner. On a Friday night. With friends. Who want to have fun. Nobody wins.
5. This song
I know. It has a good message blah, blah, blah. But how is it possible that every one of their songs sounds EXACTLY the same? Suz-ucks.
I’m over these pesky things wreaking havoc on people’s lives. Enough is enough! We get it. You are more powerful than us; we should appreciate each day; yadda, yadda, yadda. We know. Now leave us alone, diseases! We are challenged enough just trying to find our keys in the morning. We don’t need you lingering around waiting for the most inopportune time to get us.
It is simply the worst, ammiright? I understand how one could get some satisfaction out of dusting or cleaning out a closet, but ironing? Not possible. When I iron, I just make things worse. There is ALWAYS that one crease that I actually manage to make bigger when I iron. Which is why I don’t iron. Which is why I will never hold a mid-level managerial position. Which is why I will never own a blazer. Those things are so clearly connected in my mind…don’t make me explain myself.
8. Not getting NFL games in our cable package this year
Okay, this one might not be universally relevant but let me assure you that the suckitude factor is at an all time high in our house this football season. Mostly, because my husband has sunken into a deep, dark, football-less inspired depression. I’m thinking about having him seek counseling services. It’s bad.
9. Flying on planes with children.
If you have children you understand this on a very intimate level and there is no reason to explain further. If you don’t have children, but have ever ridden on a plane (or even gone on a long car ride) with your parents while under the age of 5, you need to immediately drop what you are doing and hug them. They endured a lot of shit shuffling your punk ass around from point a to point b. Including shielding you from the disgusted stares of kidless passengers, much like your current self, who JUST WANT TO READ THEIR O MAGAZINE IN PEACE AND QUIET! I know it sounds like I’m mad at you for being kidless. I swear I’m not. I’m really just jealous that you have never had to experience this particular brand of torture.
10. Being Famous
It may come as a surprise to you, but I do not have first-hand experience being famous, so I’m just guessing about this one. But it must suck, right? I mean, the designer clothes, the personal chefs, the private villas in the south of France. How doesone manage? Nah. Just kidding. That must be awesome. Despite all those luxuries, however, I think it still must suck. I just picture someone standing outside my door taking pictures of me when I leave my house @ 6:30 am on a Saturday morning to go get coffee. Trust me, this is not an image anyone needs to see blown up in a magazine. And as if this isn’t reason enough, I recently came across this headline, “Nick Cannon Wears Questionable Outfit, May Be Dating as Friends Worry About Mariah Carey”. Nick wears a questionable outfit? Really? This is newsworthy? Sheesh.
Can’t they just be optional? Or how about optional on every other day? There has to be some sort of middle ground we can reach on this one. How will I ever become the skinny goddess I am meant to be if every one of these darn things count?
12. Buckling wild, moody children into car seats.
Oh my gosh. The car seat battle makes me want to throw in the towel at life. The amount of effort it takes to just get your children out the door and into the car is Herculean. And now those little monsters flat out refuse to be buckled in. I lose it in this moment. Every. Time.
Not those creepy looking, and for some reason popular, ones you used to play with in grade school. The ones of the Internet variety. I find these people to be the scummiest of the scum of the earth. Right up there with pedophiles, serial killers and radio d.j.s.
14. Running without a bra
I don’t have much experience with this one because a. why would you do this? And b. I don’t really run. But the other day I had to run from my car to Starbucks (which was about 4 steps away) and I wasn’t wearing a bra (as previously mentioned, this is why being famous would suck). Holy cow. It was embarrassing and dangerous. Not advisable.
15. Small talk
Some people are really good at this. I’m socially awkward. I apologize in advance for the dumb things I will inevitably say during our brief exchanges. If you ignore me, I won’t be offended; I’ll silently thank you.
This is one of those sucky things that ultimately I am very grateful for. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have children, which have made my boobs grow ridiculously big and able to produce milk, which I can then use to feed them. All that is good. But while acknowledging that, I would also just like to note that the whole milk-coming-out-of-your-body thing is just sorta weird and gross and a giant pain in the ass. Especially, the pumping part. Not a fan.
17. Running naked in front of a mirror
Never done it. Never want to. But, for so many reasons, it must suck. However, as I recently discussed with a friend, it might also be strangely motivating. So maybe give that one a second thought if you are looking for new ways to lose weight.
18. YHL is now MIA
The blog that introduced me to the world of blogs is “taking a break for an undetermined amount of time”. And I am so sad. They were like my besties, in a weird-creepy-I-don’t-actually-know-them sort of way. The worst part is that I am pretty sure they are hanging up their hat, in part, because of #13. And #13 got worse because they were #10 in the blog world.
19. Sneezing while holding an almost asleep baby
I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times I have just finished rocking little Finley asleep only to then have to sneeze. Upon which, she immediately wakes up, cries and we start the process all over again. Ho Hum. Good thing she’s cute and I’m not allergic to dust.
20. Blog posts with no pictures.
Yeah. Sorry about that. Next time…promise.
P.S. It should be noted that I had a weirdly difficult time coming up with a list of 20 things that suck. Strangely enough, this made me feel happy. So there you have it. Thinking about things that suck can actually make you happier. Who knew?